This is harder than it looks

An inconvenient truth

ONCE A WEEK, Danny Katz sits down at his computer and writes some innocuous crap that verges on a controversial rant but is always scaled-back to safe, mundane ground, because, heavens forbid, you may fucking offend someone.

If you don’t know who I’m talking about, here’s a taste of his work:

I will bop ‘em in the bean, I will schmack ‘em in the stirrer, I will thump the cappuccino-frothed face… Go on, Yoda, say it, I dare ya, cos I’ll rip off your tiny green Jedi knackers… Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry for the little tantie… coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee… Whoaaaa, hold off a latte-lapping moment all you enraged coffee-guzzlers…Calm down Katzy…Help, help, help, help meeeeee

And just in case you think I’m nitpicking, here’s another example of his work:

Kill some Nazis, Kill, Killllll! That’s what I’ve always wanted to do, kill me some Nazis, and not just kill ‘em – scalp ‘em and slash ‘em and lock ‘em in a small room…

Sound familiar? By the way, this guy writes for Fairfax.

GOOD BLOODY ONNNNNNYAAA… IT’S A MAJOR JUNIOR FOOTY FARCE… IT’S TOO SOFT…TOOOOOO SOFT… ENJOYING THEMSELVES… IT’S TOOOOO SOFT.

Perhaps Mr Crazy Katz fancies himself as a bit of a Cosmo Kramer, with his irrational, wild antics and his frizzy, untameable hair. Either way, writing, like, how you talk, wif like, talking words ‘n shit, just doesn’t make good reading… fuckin’. And it’s a shame there’s enough jaded middle-aged teachers who think his writing provides comical relief to their unfulfilling day to sustain Danny’s job.

But since I started writing this blog, I have developed a shred of respect for Danny. Whooaaaaa!!! Because coming up with an idea every week that can sustain a blog for longer than two sentences is a challenging task. Myf Warhurst needs to write a weekly column for The Age to save her feeble career. And with my 10 weeks of professional experience, I know what she’ll have to endure. It’ll be tough. Good thing she’s got editors and subs to help her out. (Should have stayed with Triple J. They never fire anyone. Am I right, Rosie Beaton?)

In the beginning, this blog (“Media Have a Look-See”) started as a university assignment on the dysfunctional RMIT server. My first blog, pretty much said it all: Blogging is something I had wanted to do, but a blog is a message in a bottle thrown into a sea made entirely of messages in bottles, and thus I struggled to find the incentive to get cracking.

This blog was designed to lie somewhere between Media Watch‘s smugness (but without the resources or legions of fans giving me tip-offs), Mumberella‘s watchful eye on the media, and a spice of Jim. (That’s me.) Saying you’re writing about the media is a pretty easy task, because anything of interest should be reported in the media, and if it’s not, the media aren’t doing their job properly. So, essentially, I’ll blog about what ever I want.

Over the past two or three months, I have tackled some of the big issues. I’ve told Apple to install digital radio receivers in their iPhones, called Kyle Sandilands a loser (for a change), made some generalisations about Vietnamese and Greek food, and posted fun at a broken link. And as for fame and fortune? Well, the proof is in the pudding:

Total viewers: 232

Busiest day: 36 – Fri 18 Sept

Average readers per day: 7

Number of spam blocked: 2

So how did I become so popular? It’s pretty simple, really. There’s about 25 people in my university course, each having to write their own blogs and comment on others. So, each Friday, when the blogs were due, I’d have a spike in readers.. around nine, 10 or 11 people. Unfortunately, I’d usually do the blog on a Saturday, which certainly didn’t help my ratings. The other half comes from facebook. I share a link with all my friends, and people who should be doing something productive click the link and wade into the depths of my poorly constructed sentences. That would result in a spike around the 25 mark. And in between Fridays and my Facebook postings, I’d have between five or nine people for a day or two, then three, then one, then none, then, WHAM! FRIDAY. Back up to nine. (And trust me, I’ve tried pressing the refresh button. WordPress is too smart.)

Australians don’t take blogging as seriously as Americans. Indeed, our online habits tend to lead us to the mainstream media websites (ABC, The Age, Herald Sun) and, if you’re in the mood for blogging, you’ll read the bloggers associated with the mainstream media (i.e. Andrew Bolt – a million readers a month). This is one major impediment to attracting readers to any Aussie blog. But blogging will evolve, and undoubtedly become bigger.

I hope I will continue blogging, and Aussie Media dot WordPress becomes something that handfuls of people check regularly. And then eventually, Fairfax will realise Danny Katz isn’t funny, and I’ll be offered his job.

GETOFFFFFF THAT REALLY HURRRRRTZZZZ

Hahahaha…It sure does, Danny.

Perhaps the shittest cartoon I've seen since Fred Basset

Hey! Hey!… It’s not that bad!

Forget “storm in a tea cup”. The recent Hey! Hey! It’s Saturday! Jackson Five skit is comparable to a magnitude 8.2 earthquake on a saucer, which triggers a tsunami in a tea cup causing one’s delicious hot beverage to splash over the sides. It’s an intense, localised event, and for a brief moment it’ll be the biggest problem in your life. You’ll go into damage control, apologise for your uncivilised behaviour and investigate how much tea has stained your shirt. But inevitably the excitement will settle, and you’ll go back to enjoy your slightly depleted tea and engage in awkward conversation. It’ll be like nothing has happened.

If I’m over-stretching my metaphors, let me make myself clear: the Hey! Hey! sketch wasn’t racist and has been blown way out of proportion. I agree it was insensitive, conjuring up images of a time when Othello was played by white people with shoe polish on their face. But I thought racism was meant to invoke hatred or intolerance of another race. This sketch was a bad, unfunny impersonation of the Jackson Five. But racist? Who hasn’t made fun of Michael Jackson being whiter than a Scottish tan?

Inevitably the race question has reemerged in this  country. In the blue corner, those saying the skit is another fine example of the ever-present racism within this country. In the red corner, a furore of bogans telling Harry Connick Jnr to go home. And it’s the latter that is of most concern. Here are just some comments (spelled phonetically) that aired on 3AW:

What a whole lot of bull pish! If Harry Connick Juna thinks that’s racist, I’ll pay his airfare back to America.

I think we’re all a bit precious. Let them say what they like on the internet. American’s wouldn’t know what goes on in Australia. If that was six Irishmen being sent-up it wouldn’t be an issue!

America and Australia – two totally different countries. Let them keep all their precious-s-ess-ness over there, let us get on with the job. It’s show-business after all.

Marieke Hardy wrote an article in The Age’s Greenguide criticising Hey! Hey! and was sent abusive emails saying she didn’t like the show because she has a foreign name.

Courtesy of Contactlink & Myke "wicked not to care" Bartlett for the idea.

In amongst all the semi-baked arguments conveyed through a slurring of words, there is something worthwhile to point out. America and Australia are completely different countries and that’s why a skit depicting the Jackson 5 as Minstrel Singers is more likely to offend Americans and not Australians. But, considering the history of race relations in America and Australia, it’s completely naive to dismiss those who found the skit offensive. It wasn’t meant to be offensive, but there is very good reason why people would have found the skit offensive. Indeed, the reaction has been far more worrying than the act itself.

I found Harry’s comments rather fair:

“We’ve [the US] spent so much time trying to not make black people look like buffoons, that when we see something like that we take it really to heart. And I know it was in good fun, and the last thing I’d want to do is take this show to a real down level.”

Non-politically correct humour, when well executed, is brilliant: Family Guy; Kumars at 42; Sasha Cohen characters; The Onion. The Jackson Five skit, however, was beyond the realm of stupid, and there are bigger issues to be concerned about: mis-treatment of Indigenous Australians; the increasing presence of neo-Nazis in Germany and Russia; riots in Western China; people who eat Marmite instead of Vegemite; and how Adrien Brodey expects to play the role of Arny in the new Predator film.

I’m past my prime az…

BRITISH PEOPLE KNOW WHEN TO STOP.  Take Fawlty Towers – it lasted two seasons. Why? Because it was fucking brilliant, that’s why, and the creators didn’t want the program to run out of comedic steam. Then there’s the Office, another example of brilliant British wit that incorporates the principle: quit while you’re ahead. Or Skins, which decided not to follow in the footsteps of Dawson’s Creek by recasting the drama once the original kids finished school. And David Tennant and Christopher Eccleston hopped off the Dr Who train once they thought they’d milked the franchise long enough (but not too long).

Now, lets look at American television.

Don't let the title fool you...

The first season of Prison Break was aired in 2005. Lincoln is incarcerated and sentenced to death for a murder he didn’t commit. His loyal brother Michael devises a plan to break him out by getting into jail himself. Twelve episodes later they break out. Yay.

But that’s where the title, Prison Break, starts to lose meaning. Desperate to keep the franchise alive,the directors penned season two, which is about running away from authorities. They end up in jail again, which they breakout of in season three, and in season four there’s a blend of running and jailing. In summary: Jail, Run, Jail, Jail & Run.

Lost... meaning

I originally began watching Lost because I thought it was going to be a mini-series. At the end of the first episode, several survivors of the plane-crash seek refuge in the plane’s cockpit from an unseen, large-sounding monster. In true slasher-movie fashion, where expendable characters check out strange noises by themselves, the pilot decides to stick his head out of the cockpit window to see if the monster’s gone.  He gets chewed-up and his bloodied carcass is found lying in the tree canopy. “Great,” I thought, “a mini-series about dinosaurs.” How wrong I was.

Lost is, in case you don’t know, still going. Season six will be screened in 2010, and I’m told it’ll deliver as many disappointments as the first five. Most importantly, the mystery behind the Island still isn’t known, the characters still don’t need to eat or shave, and Jack continues to have slightly bloodshot, puppy-dog eyes.

And don’t get me started on the Matrix, which suffered a slow and embarrasing death, or Saw, which is synonemous for desperate.

After that long-winded introduction, I will now get to the crux of the post.

We’ve all seen thus little gem:

Made by a couple of Aussies taking the puss out of the New Zuland accent, the Beached Az whale went viral and has currently over 5 million hits. That, by the way, is HUGE for an Australian youtube video, which rarely break the 1 million mark.

But now the ABC has decided to take this whale and his chip-wielding friend one step further, commissioning the same guys to team up with the people from Bro Town to do a whole series of Beached Az animations.

They came up with this sequel:

How was it? Okay? Not Okay? I admit, I found the description of a garden pretty funny (“sprunklers”), but something’s missing. Maybe number three is better…

Dear god. They’ve used my arch nemisis as a character… children.

Okay. We get it. Kiwi’s pronounce the letter “i” like “uh”.

1. Fish = f-uhsh,
2. Big = Bug
3. Chips = chuh-ps,
4. Bill = buhll,
5. Tickle = tuh-kle,
6. Chilly = chuh-lly,
7. Shrink = shrunk.

They also say “bro” a lot. That joke was made loud and clear in the first video.

The making of the Beached Az series breaks the ancient rule that a sequel never beats the original. (Some exceptions include Hotshots 2, Terminator 2 and Shrek 2.) The problem with creating sequels is if you deviate from the original theme too much, it’s not really a sequel. If you repeat the idea, there’s not much point in the sequel. It has to add value to the original story.

I also have a problem with taking internet sensations and making them into something else. According to the West Australian, the ABC commissioned the clip to make it more accessible. But I figure you don’t deserve to see the bloody thing if you if you’re not one of the 5 million plus people who have already.

Sadly, I predict the Beached Az series is just going to get desperate and sad very quickly. Assuming, of course, it’s not sad and desperate already.

The lesson is, it’s okay to be a one hit wonder.

Should be unemployed az

One story, multiple outlets…

ONE OF THE MANY PERILS of living on a large continent with a small population is the lack of diversity. If you’re from Melbourne you wear dark clothes, bitch about Sydney, and think you’re Australia’s answer to New York; if you’re from Sydney you have sharply groomed hair, tight yellow t-shirts and think you’re Australia’s answer to California; if you’re from Canberra you think about Sydney or Melbourne; and if you’re from Brisbane you probably don’t think.

Even Melbourne’s beloved multicultural community is struggling, with Vietnamese and Greek restaurants all scooping from the same batch of blackbean and garlic sauce.

As far as this blog is concerned, the Australian media is renowned as one of the most concentrated in the world. Not only does everything seem to be owned by Fairfax, News Limited, or the government, but most capital cities are limited to one daily newspaper. Adelaide has the Advertiser, Perth has The West Australian, Brisbane the Courier Mail, Hobart the Hobart Mercury, and Darwin has:

The internet has done little to help mix things up. If you’re not reading your newspaper, you’re going to your newspaper’s website. And if you happen to look a little deeper, you’ll notice the article is probably copied and pasted from one of the few wire services, AP, AAP, AFP, or Reuters, who chose to not go for an acronym. Okay, okay, there’s the internet’s non-linearity, but I’m ranting on a blog here, not writing a thesis.

The one exception, of course, if Crikey! – the news outlet for those whose IQ is higher than their income.

It’s very easy to flail about and say the homogenisation of news is diminishing news quality and diversity. (Do flailing people ever use the word, “homogenisation”?). But, then again, there’s little we can do about it. Throwing journalists at the problem won’t fix it, because 10 journos covering the same press conference will end up with essentially the same story. So, as unfortunate as it may seem for aspiring journalists, the way of the future is: one story, multiple outlets.

However, where I think the internet is showing signs of fresh, original content is the wonderful world of quasi-professional blogging. About three months ago, News Limited established The Punch.  It is, apparently, “Australia’s best conversation”, with “some of the nation’s best writers”. And as of this week, Fairfax has come on board with the National Times, which promises to…

…bring together the best opinions, commentary and analysis from leading Fairfax columnists and opinion leaders from around the world on the biggest issues in Australia.

Although I found it strange that the National Times and The Punch both had Australia’s best writers, I decided Fairfax’s new initiative would be worthwhile. So I followed the link provided by my copy of The Age, www.theage.com.au/nationaltimes, and got:

Fail

Why I was transferred to the domain yeah.com is beyond me.

A day later and that link appears to be working a bit better, but the text appears a bit funky:

Yes, I am a smug Gen Y’er. But. LOL. Da linkz not workn!

Any way… the usual URL, www.nationaltimes.com.au, is working just fine. So if you’ve made it this far into my blog, check it out. It won’t have any news stories that aren’t already available via one of Fairfax’s websites, but should encourage greater online discussion.

 

A week of stupidity…

THE AMOUNT OF IDIOTS in the media this week overwhelmed my blogging senses.

A 16-year-old attempting to sail around the world solo crashed into a cargo ship ONE DAY into the exhibition.

Now, just pause for a moment to think how amusing that is.  Seventy one per cent of the world is comprised of the ocean. That’s 361,000,000 square kilometres of water surface (thanks, Wikipedia). Wouldn’t you be concerned if you’re trying to navigate the world on your 10.4 metre yacht and you happen to crash into a 229-metre-long boat within a day of your journey?

Jessica Watson wasn’t even into the official part of her journey. She was sailing down to Sydney to test how her boat would fare. Well, the results are in…

Chinese Cargo Ship 1, Hopes and Aspirations 0.

Kyle Sandilands is next up.

First, he quizzes a 14-year-old about her sex life on live radio. After she exposes that she was raped when she was 12, Kyle responds, “So, is that the only sexual experience you’ve had?” That little fiasco cost him his Australian Idol gig and a few weeks off the air.

Three weeks later, he says Magda Szubanski would lose weight if she were in a concentration camp. And he’s been suspended again.

So… to put that into context. Kyle has pissed of the mums and now pissed of the Jews. They’re pretty much the two lobby groups that decide elections. Thus, Kyle Sandiland’s career?

Definately bullied as a kid

And, to save the best till last… Senator Fielding.

In case you were living under a rock, after repeatedly saying “physical” policy, instead of fiscal, he tried to clear things up by spelling it out: F-I-S-K-A-L

It’s great to have a chortle about how idiotic Mr 1.76 per cent man is. But to me, the admission he has a lerrning disability suddenly makes everything seem so clear.

Steve Fielding is parliament’s only climate change denier. He says there’s not enough proof that carbon emissions are making the globe hotter. Rather, what IS making the globe hotter is the rate of divorse.

I have some sympathy for Fielding. He’s just hasn’t got his head around all those scientific facts and evidence. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. It took ten years before people started taking Al Gore’s blabbering about climate change seriously. So, this leads me to conclude Steve Fielding will be on the climate change band-wagon by 2019. That’s not too bad. Kiribati has 50 years before it’s gone.

So, what’s next for Steve Fielding?

Go!… away.

CHANNEL 99 IS CHANNEL 9’s attempt to get a piece of the digital TV action. As Australia slowly moves towards digital-only television (analogue cut-off is as late as 2013), teleivision stations are creating content to fill the mind-numbing abyss that is digital bandwidth. Channel 10 provided Channel 1, which shows way too much Nascar racing (round and round they go), ABC2 is improving, and SBS didn’t get enough funding to provide new content for SBS2. The new kid is Channel 9’s Channel 99, which has hardly caused a blip for very obvious reasons.

The first problem is that there’s nothing new on Channel 99. And it’s all crap (Seinfeld exempted). It’s essentially Foxtel’s quadrillion channels compressed into one channel. Which is great if you always wanted Foxtel but your parents never let you.

Its top, prime-time shows are:

• Dance your ass off (which lasted ONE episode before being axed on Channel 9)
• TMZ
• Entertainment tonight
• The Bachelor
• The Bachelorette

If you’re not watching prime-time 99, you get:

• I Dream of Jeannie
• The Nanny
• Bewitched

And, just to keep you on your toes:

• CSI
• CSI: Miami
• CSI: NY

For forty years, Channel 9 dominated the ratings. Then in 2007, Channel 7 started showing gems such as Desperate Housewives and Airport Security (which was disturbingly THE most watched show), and Channel 9 was no longer “still the one”. Even Today Tonight remains more popular than that show run by the 7-foot-giant, Tracey Grimshaw.

Herald Sun reporter Darren Davlyn said Channel 99 is going for the tween, celeb-obsessed “niche” market. (Yes, it’s a niche market). But if Channel 9 want their ratings back, they’re not going to do it by re-running episodes of the Bachelor. They have to provide something NEW.

Even its “Go!” image looks vaguely familiar…

My second problem is you have to venture alllllllllll the way the channel number 99. I’m already reluctant to travel to ABC2, which is like crossing my television’s version of the Nullarbor. From Channel Ten I have to go past two additional Channel 10s (one HD and one digital), two Channel 1s, ABC again, before finally getting to ABC2. I don’t even dream of travelling all the way to SBS2, which is channel 33, without a packed lunch.

In my digital radio blog I ranted about how choice is overrated. The digital television evolution is another example of that. I’m rather technologically savvy, but even I get confused when you have to repeatedly scroll past the same stuff to get to the new stuff.

With the exception of ABC2 News Breakfast, which is a great example of a channel providing NEW content to attract viewers to a secondary channel, I just don’t seem to find myself venturing to these new channels.

I’m certainly not holding my breath to see what Channel 7 produces.

… about a little thing called the Internet.

A WEEK AFTER TONY ABBOTT was called a “lame, gay, churchy loser” by his daughter; I have struggled to find something in the media to stick my teeth into. SO I searched the usual idea hotspots, and fortunately discovered something.

No, I’m not making fun of a random Foxtel television show. (“Jesus Guy” anyone?)

I’m talking about Americans suing. It’s something they love to do when they’re not trying to find The Iraq on their nonexistent maps. And as the internet continues to connect our lives, one can only imagine the number of court cases against websites will replace those against fast-food outlets.

The newest case is Facebook being sued for being too popular.

But first of all, a bit of background.

Back in the days when Jesus walked the earth, Facebook was designed for those commencing their studies at Harvard University to meet other fresh men even before they entered the campus. Meanwhile, current students could discuss where the next keg party was and alumni could reminisce about the days of the keg parties.

We all know how the rest of the story goes. Founder Mark Zuckerberg enabled anyone and everyone to join Facebook, and once people began trusting the “enter your email and password” part, all of your friend’s friends, and your friend’s friend’s friends started opening facebook accounts. It now has 250+ million accounts and surely has to be kicking Myspace’s arse.

The women suing Facebook, who joined Facebook when it was for Harvard students only, says that the networking site has “betrayed” her. She was promised a niche networking site and now it’s far from that. She’s joined by two others who claim Facebook is wrongly sharing photos, and an 11 year old boy who joined Facebook when two years before the Facebook legal age.

To jump into the thick of it, I’ll summarise my arguments with this clip from The Onion:

We’ve all heard the warnings from the doomsayers. Lack of privacy, scams, identity theft, nowhere to hide, etcetera. But much of it is overhyped bollocks comparable to overly sensitive libertarians saying more CCTV cameras in the city means we’re one step closer to 1984.

The Triple J Hack Half Hour explored this issue a few years ago. It highlighted that people are willing to share photos and post vlogs with little regard to who can access them; that some future employer may search for incriminating photos and NOT employ you; and that there are hackers out there.

Yes, yes, it all sounds very scary. But I still yet to be convinced the internet is about to eat up our personal lives and make embarrassing material as viral as a naked Vanessa Hudgens photo.

First of all… WHO CARES? Of course there’s photos on my facebook where I’m perhaps probably definitely drunk shitfaced. And? If an employer really has the time, money, patience and care factor to dig up such photos of me then perhaps they need to get a life. For other other 6 billion inhabitants on earth, there is absolutely nothing they could gain from these photos. We all love a bit of harmless facebook stalking. That’s why they call it “harmless”.

As for information? Well, looking on my facebook page…

(We won’t let that go public.)

I’m not saying you have nothing to fear:

A woman was sacked because she added her boss as a facebook friend and subsequently posted how much she hated her boss.

Another silly billy who was at home avoiding work because she was “too sick to stare at a computer” was also fired because she was on facebook.

And there’s the infamous Nigerian scam.

The point is, don’t be an idiot. If your friend usually spells the abbreviated word “you’re” as “ur” and “the” as “da”, be suspicious when an email from them addresses you as “Kind Gentleman”. And no, your bank doesn’t want your passwords sent to them via email.

However, I will admit, there have been times when the big bad world has exploited an unsuspecting user.

In 2007 an American family sued Virgin mobile for using photos of their daughter on advertising without consent. Virgin, the sneaky devils, had acquired the photo of the 16-year-old from Flikr. The silly 16-year-old had put a Creative Commons Attribution licence on the image. Thus, it’s free for anyone to use.

(The cheeky buggers even reversed the image! Genius.)

The advertising slogan is “dump your pen friend”, because clearly the girl is a bit of a dweeb, and the “free text virgin to virgin” is an unfortunate association. Or fortunate in this case, considering the girl was from a good ‘ol church-going family. (The family sued for defamation.)

It’s an interesting story, but certainly the worst I’ve heard where the victim hasn’t been a complete numbnut.

But, simply follow my easy step of “not being an idiot” and enjoy the internet’s “no-privacy ride”.